Internet in Germany: Don’t bother. Save your time and energy.

Well, it’s obvious that i’m either too lazy to write or that I lead a boring life. Or both at times. Here I am again, this time refusing to make empty promises to write more frequently in the future. Instead, maybe i’ll surprise you sometime.

However, several weeks of my time spent not updating here can be excused. I will give you the shortened version of why I suggest anyone who depends on internet access in their life should maybe not bother trying to settle in Germany. Unless you have need of a raise in blood pressure and have too much time on your hands with no urgent need to access the internet for anything.

Long story short, I rented a flat in Berlin. The previous tennant’s internet was still active when I arrived and it remained for quite some time. The idea was that I’d find a new ISP and there would be a smooth transition… maybe a couple days downtime. With the help of a friend, internet was ordered through a well known German ISP. After weeks of little or no communication from them, they suddenly sent a letter stating that they were unable to provide internet access because they didn’t own the lines going into the flat, or something to that effect. Apparently in Germany, your landlord or yourself don’t own the wires and things that go into your place and the people that do get to decide how you use them. Companies with financial interests that is. So naturally they aren’t going to run out and help you sign on with a different company.

So, luckily the previous ISP still continued to provide service to the flat for awhile. But upon returning from a show and short vacation in Barcelona, it became obvious that there was no longer internet access available in my flat. The tennants decided to finally cancel the internet with no notice given to me. This part was unfortunate, but not the worst of the problem. After more searching done (thanks again to a German friend), a new ISP was found and internet was ordered.

In Canada, I remember it taking about 5 days maximum. It took over a month here. That’s right. Over one month.

Apparently companies are ok with letting you wait around for basic things like telephone and internet (it was telephone too, btw, not just internet) for long periods of time. What do they do during that time? I have no idea. If I was them, i’d probably be laughing at me. Halfway through, they sent the hardware via courier just to tease. Brand new router and box of adaptors and German-language instructions sitting around for a couple weeks teasing me. Then finally a technician comes on connection day, does some things and disappears. I was then supposed to set it all up and then wait for the indicater light to glow a solid green. Two days of torture. It was a bit like watching Sea Monkeys… remember putting the powder in the water and waiting for a kingdom of creatures to parade around wearing crowns and enjoying their tiny lives before your eyes? Yeah, it felt like that. I felt like an idiot, waiting for something to happen that I knew wasn’t going to happen.

Finally it’s discovered that even though the cable I had plugged into the wall was one that fit and connected fine, it wasn’t the correct cable. That package that showed up to tease me earlier on did not have what I needed inside. The cable that fit wasn’t the cable that was going to let me access the internet. I should point out that it isn’t as simple as “plug the cable in” here. Easy enough for someone to figure out, especially if they use gadgets for recording and things all the time. But i’ve never seen a more convoluted mess of wires, adapters, sockets and connectors used in conjunction to allow the use of something simple. A couple days has passed, a friend lent the unnecessary component so I can access the web in the meantime (thanks again!) and a new package is apparently on the way.

Laugh all you want, but for someone like me, being without internet or phone for even a week is hellish. Over a month really was a terrible hell. If you plan on living here any time, get working on your internet situation as early as possible.

PS - every internet connection i’ve had here was amazingly slow. I wonder how they get away charging you for this stuff. I really think nobody here knows what the internet is, they just resell it for fatcats in other countries who know all about it.
Imagine what it was like in the 80s where you are… and imagine what it would be like if suddenly one day, the internet was introduced. That’s what it feels like here - like everything is being retrofit and patched together to just barely allow the use of it.